What To Do When You Have No Idea What You Really Need
A few weeks ago I found myself feeling depleted and utterly exhausted. There were definitely some things going on in my personal life, yet I couldn’t figure out why I felt so drained.
As I looked at what was going on, I realized I was really out of touch. Disconnected from myself, how I was really feeling, and with what I truly needed.
I realized that as a person who is usually helping others, it was hard to admit that I also had needs, much less communicate them to the people close to me. I also had a really had a hard time identifying what any of my needs even were. No wonder I felt so tired.
And if I’m being real, as a man it felt even more difficult to admit my “neediness”. As a guy, I found myself operating by an unwritten rule that if there’s something I need, I have to fill it for myself internally. Friends and family asked me over and over: “What do you need?”. My response? “I don’t need anything. I’ve got it.”
Owning and expressing my needs and accepting help has felt way out of accepted masculine behavior. The message to men is that we’re not allowed to have needs. And if we do it’s not very manly to have them. I also find as a leader, it is difficult to show up from a place of needing while still being the one in charge and steering the ship.
I found myself asking how I can embody the role of being a man and a leader while still showing up in a way that is in integrity for me? And, is it ok to have needs as a man in our society?
Here’s the truth: Everyone has needs.
As humans we all have needs. And it is ok to have needs — it’s how we survive. From the very basic requirements of food, water, and shelter to the higher needs such as love, approval, and affection.
If we’re used to playing roles that serve others — helping, nurturing, leading — we may not even be in touch with the fact that we have needs.
So my question to you is this: are you even aware of the reality that you have needs? If not, this is a big sign you’ve checked out and disconnected from yourself. If this is the case, like me, you’re probably feeling pretty out of balance.
What happens when we don’t get our needs met?
Not getting our personal needs met is equivalent to attempting to drive a car without a full gas tank. If we don’t refuel, eventually the car simply will not run. And the same thing happens to humans, sooner or later we burn out.
What’s more, when we give to others to a point of depletion without getting what we need, we end up feeling full of resentful. The unbalance and denial of our true feelings brings us way out of integrity in our lives.
When I get to this point personally, I tend to become more and more disconnected. My go-to behavior is to fill my time with actions and “to do’s” to compensate. This is pretty detrimental for me as it only furthers the cycle of exhaustion and puts stress on my relationships.
How do we figure out what our needs are?
I had a client say to me recently “I don’t even know what my needs are.” And this client is not alone. I felt this way too.
So how do we come back? If you find yourself in this situation, here’s my best advice:
First, tune into how you are feeling right now. Take a moment to ask yourself: What am I feeling?
Maybe it’s a sensation in your body like feeling exhausted. Or an emotion such as upset, frustration, or fear. Use what comes up to mine for what your needs really are.
For example, if you’re tired, what is it you really need?
A nap? A vacation? More nutritious meals? Your partner to manage his snoring so you can get some quality sleep? Now we’re getting somewhere.
Looking at how you feel right now is a great way to start creating a list of your needs.
And here are some subsequent questions to take it even deeper:
How do I want to feel?
What is it I’m really longing for?
Write down what comes up.
Paying attention to our needs helps us create the life we really want
All of the roles we play can affect our ability to get our needs met. If you are like me and used to being the person who is giving, leading, and acting as the provider, getting your needs met is probably not at the top of your list. By definition, your role is founded in meeting the needs of others.
I know how to play the role of the leader, father, coach, masculine partner very well. And what I’ve come to realize is that these roles do no exclude me from needing in my own life.
My personal goal is to be able to identify my needs all the time. To do this, I’m taking one need per day from my list and looking at how I can communicate it and get it met. I’m also getting support from my coach.
Acknowledging my personal needs and allowing them to be met helps me build a deeper relationship with myself. And that relationship helps me create the life I really want.
Would you like some free support with this? I can help you. Click here to sign up for a Possibilities Conversation with me. We’ll spend 30 minutes together and talk about where you are right now and the steps you can take to get yourself back into integrity with your needs.