The Truth About Being A Real Man
I have been doing quite a bit of self-reflection lately. One of the things that I notice is that I have a pattern of getting caught up in a certain cycle of fear and overwhelm in my life.
Fear is a funny thing. As I examine my experience of fear, I realize how it can drive me under the surface, almost as if my mind is hijacked by it. For example, when I think about my role as a father, first and foremost, I realize how little I really know about being a father. On the surface, all of my thoughts are about my daughter Chloe’s wellbeing, yet lurking under the surface is my fear of not being good enough as a dad. What comes up for me is the fear of doing damage to my daughter, which in my mind, could have her turn to things which could harm her like abusive men, drugs, sex, etc — all because I was not enough for her as a father growing up. Here is my greatest accomplishment in life — my beautiful daughter — and I am afraid of failing her as her father.
When I get to this place of being flooded with fear, it can quickly lead me into feeling overwhelmed. When fear and overwhelm are coursing through my body, it makes me feel like I need to act and do something — it is essentially my survival instinct kicking in. Overwhelm can show up for me in different ways. However, my usual favorite flavor is to get angry and close closing myself off to any kind of support from others. I go into a mode of being the lone saver, fixer, and do-er.
I’m aware that as a man in this society, there are external pressures to keep up the appearance that I have no fear. I’m a guy and should be fearless and tough, right? When I buy this story, I hide my true self. And the more I resist the real me, the one allowed to be afraid or to need support, the more I step into the societal concepts of what the world expects of me, the more I steep myself in overwhelm and pressure. The pressure is not coming from the things I must do, rather it comes from keeping up the appearances of having it all handled.
Once the pressure and overwhelm take hold, I enter the clubbing phase. Unfortunately, this is not the phase where I go out and celebrate, dance all night, and let loose to the thumping of bass. It is, in fact, quite the opposite. This is the part where I beat myself up with my favorite story about my inadequateness. My inner world becomes all about being a sad, solitary, inadequate man. When I get here, being vulnerable and letting the world in on my secret seems like the most horrible idea. After all, the world expects a real man, who is mighty and strong and can power through, right?
Sweet! Next up…time for some very useless self-loathing! At this point I am sure this is striking a chord with some of you, men and women alike. You might relate to this personally or see this play out similarly with the man in your life. Either way, the self-loathing phase of the cycle is normally the place where I either give up or blow-up. Both tend to have the same impact, alienating me from those I love and essentially reinforcing the belief that I suck at life, compounding my self-loathing.
Once I cross this line into fear and overwhelm, I lose all connection with myself. I become the worst version of me and I have a difficult time coming out of it. The good news is that eventually, I always come out of it. And now with practice, patience, and awareness, my ability to rise out of this dark place is far quicker than it once was. Much like the dark night of the soul, what I create and learn from this space is always very clear to me — there are no hidden agendas, no false pretenses or masks. Fear and overwhelm have run their course and I’m left with myself — raw and vulnerable — my definition of a “real” man.
What I’ve come to understand is that fear is who I am sometimes and loving that part of me, especially as a man, allows me the space to love all of myself without refusing any part of me or judging myself. If I can become aware of the fear I’m feeling, I can stay present and resist the temptation to “do” and to fall into the all-too-familiar fear-overwhelm cycle. The reality is that in these situations, even though it feels like I need to take action, it’s likely there is nothing to be fixed or to do. What’s really needed is to pause and be present with myself, to understand what’s happening, and to offer myself the love and care I’m really needing.
The truth is that real men are not stoic and unfeeling like movies and the media might like us all to believe. The powerful man is the vulnerable man. What could be more powerful than owning your vulnerability and showing up for yourself? It is not shameful to be vulnerable, it is an act of courage and self-love. The idea of self-love, to most men I have spoken to, is completely foreign, yet it is actually very simple. And loving ourselves does not make us soft, wimps or inadequate males, in fact, it’s the opposite.
******
Could you use some support becoming aware of your fear & showing up for yourself in a more powerful way? If you would like some unbiased support with this, click here to sign up for a free Possibilities Conversation with me. We’ll spend 30 minutes together and talk about where you are right now and what’s keeping you from living the life you really want.