How To Move Forward When Nothing Seems Clear
During the initial shock of my marriage failing, I found myself without an identity. While I was married my role was clear — I worked to support our family. My focus was very much on doing things that brought in the income and I didn’t have a whole lot of dad duties.
Now everything was different. The family I once knew was gone. I faced the challenge of recreating me in every way. And the life that had gotten me here was not serving this new paradigm I found myself in. Thanks to the guidance of my coach, I realized it was time for a do-over.
My opportunity in all of this was to look at my life as a series of commitments. At that point, I wasn’t clear at all as to what I wanted to do or be — I was still in shock and reeling from the separation. What I wanted felt like an impossible question to answer at the time. When I was able to shift my perspective and look at things through the lens of commitments or what was most important to me — the plans for my new life started to create themselves.
What was I committed to?
One thing I knew for sure was that my little girl was of the highest importance to me. My commitment was to create a relationship with Chloe that would ensure she knew no matter what, that she and I were connected. It really mattered to me that Chloe knew she could talk to me about anything and I would listen and be there for her. I wanted her to know that I loved her unconditionally. And I was determined to create a relationship with her that supported this commitment.
When I looked at the possibilities of how I would make this happen it was overwhelming . My coach helped me to break down the elements of what would make up this relationship of unconditional love and support. Here are the words I came up with to describe it: intimacy, trust, honesty, incredible presence, strength, compassion, kindness, and most of all fun. Chloe was very young, only eight years old when this all happened. Thankfully we started building our new relationship almost immediately during the breakdown of our family.
Rebuilding our relationship
In our new relationship as dad and daughter, we instituted some new rituals — some we have still today and others we have replaced. We had monthly, “daddy-daughter days”, which were days where we just spent time together and played. At the time Chloe was a budding young chef and enjoyed cooking, so we had weekly dinner nights. My ex-wife and I created an every other week visitation schedule, with Chloe living at my home 50% of the time. I decided to coach Chloe’s soccer team which allowed us to see each other more, especially on the weeks where she was with her mom.
The commitment I believe made the most impact of all with my relationship with Chloe was my intention of being present with her. I was determined for us to have quality time together. This meant we both put our phones away, and simply spent time together. Even if we were just watching TV, we intentionally spent the time together without distractions.
These were some simple actions I took during what seemed like an impossible time. In the absence of a real connection to myself, focusing on what I was truly committed to was an anchor for me. This lead to many positive changes for me — most importantly, the creation of an amazing relationship with my daughter.
Knowing what you are trying to achieve is not always clear, especially in the midst of life-changing circumstances like divorce. However, I’ve found that discerning what it is you’re committed to is a really useful starting point. Understanding what’s most important to you can serve as the foundation for new creation. It’s a way to focus on what matters most and to shine even a small shard of light on an otherwise dark path.
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