You Get To Decide How Your Life Goes (Even During The Most Difficult Times)

One lazy summer day last week, I was making my way home from a morning of boating when in what seemed like and instant, the sky turned black and rain began to pour. As winds screamed across the front of the car, trees were uprooted in front of my eyes. This was no ordinary summer thunderstorm. There was zero visibility and traffic came to an abrupt halt as hail pounded the car windshield. The roads started to flood and trees got caught in power lines. 

In a matter of minutes, a tornado handed beautiful day a dose of menace and mayhem. And then as fast as it came, this freak event was over. As I made my way home, I could see the raw power of mother nature. Trees were uprooted like beach umbrellas in a brisk breeze, and flood water rushed past carrying limbs and debris. 

I live in a remote location with a single road in and out, and of course, the road was blocked. After parking my car on the side of the road and assessing the situation, I realized that my only option was to walk home, as the roads were not likely to open for at least a couple of hours. 

As I walked I came upon an electrical fire, with additional trees blocking the road. I passed the local firehouse where I heard about several nearby homes with roofs obstructed and damaged from fallen trees. Taking all of this in, I became aware of the pure sense of danger I faced only moments before. 

I continued walking home to find our neighbors, from just two doors down, out in the street. They were confused and scared. Their home was underneath a giant oak tree which was covering not only their house, but their cars as well. Their home, their place of comfort and refuge, was now a scene of destruction. 

There was a palpable feeling of helplessness — from both the storm victims and the friends and neighbors — standing there like spectators, unable to do much. We got reports on all the neighborhood families and checked in on some of our neighbors to be sure everyone was safe. We gathered ourselves and some neighbors began to assess the situation, calling their insurance companies to figure out next steps.

Why do I share this story of devastation with you?

Something about experiencing this flash storm and its aftermath felt oddly familiar to me. Reflecting back, I realize that so many of the feelings I experienced were similar to how I felt when I went through the devastation of divorce.

When my relationship ended, my world turned upside down very fast, much like the impact of this tornado on my neighborhood. I was totally devastated, scared, and alone — and I was filled with emotions of upset.

Of course my divorce also brought a whole host of other feelings too. I wrestled with intense feelings of failure (and for me this was a signal that there was something wrong with me). Waves of failure hit me often during those days, and they were often followed by anger or sadness. I felt angry about what I saw as a betrayal, and I sank into victim mode, thinking about the promises we made to each other in the past and then ultimately broken —  at least in my version of the story. 

When anger wasn’t present, I felt a deep sense of sadness as there was a part of me that felt totally heartbroken. I was losing my partner, and even though the reality was we had not been true partners for quite while, it was the feeling of finality and the loss of hope that felt really sad. 

Interestingly, these feelings of despair, loneliness, heartbreak, grief, remorse and betrayal all ultimately lead to a feeling of numbness. Looking back I recognize that this feeling of numbness came from sensory overload. It was also a familiar way of being for me. My automatic behavior, when things in life came at me, was to push back even harder. Meeting force with force is, for most men, a very natural way to be. 

At the same time, for many circumstances in life, meeting them with force just doesn’t work. There’s no fighting a tornado - a reality that can feel quite disempowering.

There is another choice available to you however, rather than pushing back or sinking into powerlessness. It is the opportunity to actually be with your emotions and use them as fuel to create the life you want. What I am saying here is not necessarily groundbreaking, yet for so many of us it’s a foreign concept.

You get to decide how things go in your life.

Here’s the truth: you get to decide how life goes. You have choices. Instead of letting life happen to you, you can decide how you want your life to be and then go about creating it for yourself. Or in the case of a storm’s aftermath — tornado, divorce, or otherwise — you get to decide how you’ll rebuild.

Consider this: how could creating life on purpose for yourself impact you, your children and the entire rebuilding process? How would you create your life differently this time around?

For the victims of the storm, it started with a simple shift in how they were relating to their experience. After the initial feeling of helplessness, my neighbors began to pick up the pieces and find the help they needed to create a new normal for themselves. Finding yourself in the wreckage of a divorce at the moment? You can do the same — start picking up the pieces one by one.

Despite what many of us have seen happen in the past, the ending of a relationship doesn’t have to be a horror show for you and your family. It doesn’t have to look and feel like a tornado hit your lives. You do not have to despise your former partner and have lots of dramatic interactions.

Instead there’s opportunity for your divorce to be peaceful for the benefit of the family, especially your children. (Let’s face it, the kids don’t not ask for the upheaval of a divorce — they are simply innocent bystanders.)

You get to decide. Even in the most difficult times, you get to decide how you show up for your kids and the experience you create for them and for yourself.

Find yourself in the midst divorce devastation? Support is here. Sign up for a free Possibilities Conversation. I’ll help you make sense of where you are right now. And then together we’ll sort out your next best steps in rebuilding your life. Click here to book a time on my calendar.