What It Really Looks Like When Self-Care Breaks Down
Before you read this, I have to let you know that as a human, it was a tough decision for me to share this story with you. What’s more, as a male, a father, and a life coach, the idea of sharing this gave me even more pause. After all, shouldn’t I have this all figured out?
After reflecting on it, I realized how important it is for each one of us to accept our humanity and imperfection — something my clients struggle with all the time.
So here’s the truth: I am here to declare a breakdown in self-love, presence, self-care, and wellbeing.
Last weekend, I participated in and completed the NYC Half Marathon. And let me just point out, I chose the words of that last sentence very carefully. I participated in the race, yet what I realized afterward was that I wasn’t present for the race. I did the “do” of being a race participant and at the same time, I did not bring any reverence, joy or appreciation to what I was doing. And as a result, I felt totally alone in a sea of 12,000 plus athletes and countless spectators.
While I’m happy that I finished the race and honored my commitment to those who sponsored me, I must confess that this goal — and my goal to compete in the Spartan Ultra Beast race in April — are in breakdown. If this sounds like a strange statement, let me explain. You see, there’s more to a goal than just going through the motions to get it done and keep the commitment.
What I am aware of now is how I showed up to the race and how I bypassed my personal well-being. As I shared already, I was not present at the race. I “did” the run, and I did it void of joy and love for the event. My intention in running the race was to honor a friend and all those who suffer from various autoimmune diseases. While the intention was there and was set very early on, I can now see that I participated without any reverence or connecting to my purpose for doing it.
The Monday morning assessment of the race left me asking some questions of myself. Who was “being” during the race? Where was my self-love and self-care? For those of you who might be thinking I’m being hard on myself, I can assure you that this is simply the expression of what was real for me in the moment.
How Did Things Fall Apart?
Reflecting back, the first thing I noticed was that I did not set myself up to succeed in this race. In the time immediately leading up to the competition, my focus was on a breakdown in my relationship with my partner Robin — and my commitments to Accomplishment Coaching, my coach training program, my team at AC, and the production of our training weekend. In both places, I was disconnected with my partners and team.
I can see now that there was an opportunity to connect and get support from the people around me in a way that would have fed me and given me energy. Instead, I decided to push forward. I kept my head down and moved on in spite of all these breakdowns and disconnections. And during the race, I felt it. Rather than enjoying myself, my head was full of upset and unresolved feelings.
My pre-race prep was also out of integrity — it was virtually non-existent. In the weeks leading up to the race, I ran several longer distances up to 13.1 miles. So I felt like my body was conditioned to succeed. However, in the days just before the race, the truth is I let my wellbeing slip. I didn’t sleep well and my normally healthy eating habits were off track too.
The day before the race I didn’t give much thought to what I was taking on the next day. Normally a day or so before a race, I make a point to take in some extra electrolytes and hydrate with water — and I didn’t do this. The day before I worked the whole day with my Accomplishment Coaching team in a 13-hour stretch, and I did not take a break outside of our working lunch. When I was done with the day, I came back to my hotel room and only then did I consider preparing for the half marathon, and think about what I would have for dinner.
The morning of the race, well let’s just say my lack of preparation continued! I had no plans for a healthy breakfast and since I didn’t have a ride sorted out, I ended up running about 1.5 miles to the race starting line at a quicker then race pace. Not ideal just before a half marathon race! Once I reached the race area, the crowd felt overwhelming to me and the lines to get into the starting corral were long. There were several other logistical pieces that I overlooked, leaving me stressed and anxious prior to starting the run.
Last and not lease, my daughter Chloe and her longtime caregiver (daughter number 2, basically) came into the city and we had plans to meet at the finish line. What ended up happening was a three-minute connection with the two of them and photo, before I ran into the subway and headed downtown to shower and re-join the Accomplishment Coaching program, already in progress for the day. The kicker is, this month’s theme for the program is wellbeing, not exactly what I was modeling as a mentor coach!
All this to say, the race is over and I’ve forgiven myself for how it all went. I didn’t have my best time yet I did finish. And most importantly, I’m determined to change how the future will look when it comes to my wellbeing and self-care.
The Breakthrough
I’m walking away from the experience with a few lessons. Here’s my breakthrough from this breakdown in well being and self-care:
I matter. It is ok to have needs and make sure they are met. This is what self-love is birthed from — committing to wellbeing and tracking it in my life are acts of self-love.
Support is imperative. I can ask for and get the help I need. Asking for support when I need it calls on me to be vulnerable and connect with others. To me this is a breakthrough in self-love.
Sharing this story with you also helps me to accept my humanity and allow myself to be just as I am. Perfection is not real and the quest for it blocks me from owning my humanity and keeps me small.
What I can see now is that sharing this story is an expression of my fullest self — exposed and raw. Brene Brown said it so well here:
“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending.”
And that’s what this breakthrough brings me to: a place where I’m open to love for myself and others and the wide-open possibility of doing things differently in the future.